Recovering from a bad marriage breakup (A Personal Story)
Story of a Muslim sister who had a rough start in her married life … (All names have been deleted) – In response to the comments received by the readers, the sister has provided comments again in the comments section under the author “U T”.
When a girl enters marriage, the minimum expectations she has are that she would be able to establish a peaceful, and if possible, friendly relationship with her husband. If she has confidence about herself that she won’t pose any demands of wealth and riches on her husband, she further feels assured that he would be appreciative and there won’t be any scope for quarrels.
It was with such expectations that I entered married life. My husband soon realized that I wasn’t demanding and mentioned to my mother that Allah had given him better than he had expected. And I happily believed that my marital life had started on a proper note and hence will continue on the right track.
But sad to say this anticipation soon met with disappointment as expectations from my husband started rearing their ugly head. These expectations pertained to something that was not in my power to control or provide. I had become pregnant just a month after getting married and within 7 weeks of pregnancy my problems started. I had to consult a gynecologist who said that if I wanted to save the pregnancy, I’d have to take total bed rest. My husband preferred not to follow the doctor’s advice. His mother and elder brother chose to believe that I was being unnecessarily delicate and fussy. They were of the opinion that to survive in this world you need to be tough, and sadly, quite heartlessly they started trying to impart lessons in ‘toughness’ to me by ignoring my genuine need for rest and being totally insensitive to my feelings and pain – both physical and mental.
Well, things came to such a pass that I aborted a 16 weeks’ foetus, first getting scolded by the doctor for not following her instructions, and then faced by the bleak scenario of putting up with taunts about my delicacy which had already started coming from my mother-in-law. My husband was of no help either. Neither could he console me nor did he provide any assurance about the future. When I was in my parents’ house, taking rest, he did not visit me, but kept asking me to return, sometimes threatening, sometimes persuading with false hopes. His total lack of understanding and sympathy spelt out clearly over the phone, made me shed such tears as I hadn’t shed in my 24 years of life. I realized that this relationship could not continue, but was scared of taking the initiative in separation as a Hadith of our Prophet (S.A.W.S.) says that a woman who resorts to ‘Khula’ (divorce sought by the wife) without a valid reason, would not be able to even smell the fragrance of Paradise.
My parents arranged for a meeting with an Islamic scholar, a Mufti, who explained to me that the clause ‘for no valid reason’ is important and this is to ensure that divorce is not taken lightly. He told me that my conscience should guide me, and eventually my honesty with myself is a matter between me and Allah. He also reminded me that Allah is Well Aware of each individual’s capacity of endurance. So, wanting to give my marriage a second chance, I went back to see if there were any changes (as my husband had been promising me). However, within four days I realized that nothing had changed, my husband actually telling me that he was doing me a favor out of pity for my “Kismet”. I told my mother that I was worried about the future (of a divorcee) and hence chose to continue the relationship which now had nothing for me. My mother asked me to visualize a life all alone and compare it with the present one and see which condition I would prefer. I immediately said, ‘Being alone’. She said if that were the case there was no point in continuing such a relationship. I finally opted out of it.
My first reaction was, “Thank God I’m following Islam which has a provision for a woman to end a relationship that holds only suffering for her.” There was no need to resort to any long drawn out court case.
I told my parents not to blame themselves for not having made enough enquiries about the boy, since one can’t know before hand how he is going to treat his wife. (Islam closes the door for “If I had done this or that…..” Everything that happens, happens according to Allah’s Will (concept of Qada wal-Qadr) which has to be accepted without complaints, but with dependence on Him and prayers and hopes for the future.)
I thanked Allah that I was still physically and mentally sound and had enough education to be independent and not a burden on my parents. (We should be grateful to Allah for whatever Blessings are still being enjoyed by us.)
Having gone through a miscarriage I wasn’t sure whether I’d be able to carry a pregnancy full term. So when my parents brought up the question of second marriage I said I didn’t mind marrying a widower and accepting his kids.
Having stayed in the first relationship for 6 months, I had guilty feelings about having caused hurt to a person’s feelings by breaking the bond. My mother advised me to pray for him, since we are all human beings liable to commit blunders. He had committed a blunder of not understanding a woman’s delicacy (of constitution) and feelings, but that didn’t mean that we should become vengeful and resort to anger or accusations. So I prayed for him as I was praying for myself and this gave me peace of mind. (In the Quran, where the provision of ‘Khula’- divorce initiated by the woman – is mentioned, the instruction given by Allah is that both should separate ‘gracefully’ and Allah Will provide for both.) My parents and I tried our best to follow Quranic instructions closely.
I am now happy to share with you that a few years ago I got married to my present husband who was still unmarried. It wasn’t as if he knew me or my nature. He was a total stranger to us. He was working abroad. When someone asked him why he chose to marry a divorcee while he himself had not yet been married, he said he was fulfilling a Sunnah of our Prophet (S.A.W.S.) since our Prophet also had married a divorcee. He kept asking my parents whether they had taken my consent.
It is 4 years now since we’ve been married and he has proved to be a genuine person. He follows Islam as it should be followed; treats me as a companion and friend; has never given me the feeling that he has done a favor to me. And when I again needed bed rest during pregnancy, I got it. He prayed for a daughter and Allah (S.W.T.) has blessed us with a daughter. Alhamdolillah I consider myself really blessed by Allah.
Lessons learned:
(1) Don’t let obstacles deter you from your faith in Allah.(2) Obstacles in life sometimes pave the way for a better life.
(3) No matter what your situation, Allah will find a way for you if you have Tawakkul in Him.
(4) If you get into an unpleasant situation with another Muslim, don’t become vengeful. On the other hand, by having a big heart and praying for the other person not only will help that person but will have angels praying for you (per a hadith) and improve your situation, as well as will earn you Allah’s pleasure.
(5) Even in the toughest of times, we should be grateful to Allah and recognize His Blessings on us.
May Allah ease all our affairs and provide us the right perspective and courage to face them!
